Sunday, October 11, 2009

The Really, Really, Really, Really Bad Day

Today was a Really Bad Day ™. No, I’m serious…


Maybe it was because I stayed up too late last night and drank for the first time in months. Maybe I stepped on a black cat’s back and hit them with a broken mirror. Under a stepladder.

But my luck stinks. To wit:

BLEEDING TO DEATH - There I was, just trying to open the almond butter, which refused to budge. My hand slipped from the stubborn almond butter right into the open can of dog food I’d just fed Stella from.

At first, the cut just hurt a little, but it was bleeding, so I headed to the bathroom.

By the time I got there, the blood was gushing down my arm and dripping from my elbow. I applied pressure, but it just kept spouting with every heartbeat. But no matter how much pressure I applied, I couldn’t stop the bleeding.

After 20 minutes my bathroom looked like a murder scene and I actually began to be concerned about blood loss. It wasn’t even that big of a cut, and it was my freaking pinky finger. I was going to die of pinky finger.

So, I went to the ER. And then, of course, the bleeding stopped.

I laughed and said, haha, maybe I shouldn’t be there. The attendent looked at me, and applied pressure to the bottom of my finger (and this was over an hour after it happened), which immediately caused another geyser. Then I got to sit there, digging my nails into the chair, while he rinsed it out with a spray of hot water.

On a cool note, I didn’t need stitches and they actually crazy glued it shut! Srsly! They said it’s the exact same ingredient as Crazy Glue – and you could even use Crazy Glue itself, except that it has an acid in it that would make you scream. They take the acid out for the hospital-grade stuff.

So, it hurts, but my finger is crazy glued. Which is awesome

A few hours later…

BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE, PART 1 – I need some serenity, so I decide to burn some oils in a diffuser on top of my dresser, right? Top drawer is open.

So, I pull the candle out of the diffuser, light it…

And drop it right into my sock drawer.

I managed to get the smoldering socks smothered in time. (Alliteration is awesome.)


BURNING DOWN THE HOUSE, PART 2 – I decided that what I needed was some exercise! And better yet, I’d kill two birds with one stone by putting some Brussels sprouts in the oven to roast while I took a walk. Which is clearly the best idea I've ever had.

I didn’t take my keys, because I don’t need to lock the backdoor during the day.

See where this is going?

Yeah, I locked the door behind me.

Thank God I’d opened Stella’s bathroom window earlier in the day and hadn’t latched it yet. I managed to shimmy through it and catch the Brussels sprouts before they took down the house.

I’m going to bed early.

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